Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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