hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
