Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
