Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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