he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
