i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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