My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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