i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize