sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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