It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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