The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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