the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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