i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
pray to the hookup gods
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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