i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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