I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize