is your mom at the bar?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
