Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
