I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
