He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
