I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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