I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
