I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We are two peas in an std pod
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
