and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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