Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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