No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
