i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
