i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
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