sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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