I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
