yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
