I wanna bring you to show and tell
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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