I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
