No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
