well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
