i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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