Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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