You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
