At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
