i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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