two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
