i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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