P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
