I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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