I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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