Sober January is a disaster.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
