Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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