God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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