Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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