just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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