I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
