Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
