please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
