i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i will never coherently bang her
Life is so much better after having sex.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize