I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
