Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
