This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
