i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
