im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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