I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
