Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
