I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
