the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
