I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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