im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
