I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
