So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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