omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
