i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
